Meeting of Minds [Open to bentheredonethat]

[tarisian_cathar]

He'd said to find him in the jungle; it already seemed a far better option in terms of living space, at least to her - away from the crowd, as it were, free from any number of complications, and far more peaceful. She stopped by the river first, to put cold water on her face, brushing the sweat from the fine fur on her face. She's been too active on these missions, and frankly misses her Jedi armour - not exactly enough to stand up to a lightsaber, but enough to deflect at least a few blaster shots. It moves more easily.

Granted, she could also do with her lightsaber.

Brushing back the fur a bit, she sighed, standing up slowly, stretching her back. What was so strange to her, in this moment, about meeting another Jedi? She was fairly certain that was who she was meeting - despite, or perhaps because of, his cagey manner about being from the same universe.

The vibrosword was strapped to her side, deactivated. Crude, by her standards. But serviceable. She wondered, idly, why she couldn't feel him as she approached the hut - what had made him so good at hiding?

But she approached, and knocked - her own presence in the Force not masked in the slightest.

Comments

[tarisian_cathar]

Very different indeed. Training from infants? Juhani hadn't arrived to train until her late teens - a strange difference.

"The Council...is not always as wise as it should be," she replied, quietly. It was a heretical thought, really, but one that had been expressed more and more openly - even before the Sith had attacked the Jedi, pushing them to the brink.

"It becomes set in its ways, valuing the long-term over the present. There were...schisms, even before the Mandalorians attacked. The Council's will was not always law - because some of us had already stopped obeying."

She shook her head, chuckling a bit.

"I was already in secret rebellion against their dictates before I even met Revan. Joining his cause was...a simple decision."

[bentheredonethat]

Settling back on his heels, Obi-Wan felt his shoulders drop, and despite his best efforts he couldn't bring himself to square them again. Not for this moment.

"You'd have thought we would have learned our lesson," he admitted in a soft voice. "We were supposed to be wise enough, but in the end we repeated the doomed lessons of our own history."

[tarisian_cathar]

She frowns a bit, not having wanted to create that reaction by any means.

"It has been thousands of years since my time," she replied, carefully, "so much can be lost in that amount of time - given the Mandalorians, and the Sith...we will have to rebuild from very little after two terrible wars."

She tries to offer what she can.

"In all that time, so much could have happened to push the Order to make the choices that it did."

Though she can't know it, the answer is simple: for a thousand years, the Jedi Order thought the Sith had disappeared for good. Complacency is a deadly enemy - one which leads to other errors in time.

[bentheredonethat]

When he was around the younger generation, Obi-Wan did his level best to be calm and serene. He shied away from the title of Master yet did what he could to be a foundation anchor in the chaos that the galaxy had devolved into over the past decade.

Juhani, like Padme, was catching glimpses of the deep emotional scars left behind by what had happened. The depth of survivor's guilt and grief that Obi-Wan strove to release into the Force, but with which he still struggled.

"Nothing pushed the Order," he said, his elegant accent clipped. "We grew arrogant. Wrapped our enigmatic reputations around us like the finest silks to make us un-touchable. Qui-Gon Jinn was right, even Dooku and Ashoka. We claimed the Sith made the Force murky, but we had so lost our way. We were no longer servants of the Force but lived in the belief that it served us."

Obi-Wan did not get up from where he knelt with her on the floor, but there was an anxious, restless air about him as if he wanted to indulge in the very un-Jedi habit of pacing.

"I look back," he continued softly. "And as much as I want to lay it all at the feet of the Sith; we aided the orchestration of our own downfall and destroyed the peace of the galaxy with us."

[tarisian_cathar]

She lifted her cup as she talked, stirring from her position, moving it aside. She stepped closer to him as he finished, kneeling in front of him, reaching out a hand to place, supportive, on his shoulder.

She doesn't know all those names. She has no idea who they are - but she can feel what's now pouring off of him. So much guilt. And there's notes of what she's seen, in her own Order. Complacency, after the defeat of Exar Kun - an arrogance in the perceived rightness of their decisions.

"I'm sorry," she says. It's all she can, really. He's letting some of the pain out, at least - and she can only be an encouraging friend, in such a moment.

[bentheredonethat]

Her movement, the touch of her hand, cause Obi-Wan to go reeling back into himself with a sense of horror over what he let leak. Such a display of emotion was un Jedi-like and he'd just indulged in front of a legend from his history books.

"There is no need for that," he says and perhaps the words come a little quickly, but what follows is more calm and serene. "Some lessons are hard learned, and as you say there is an ebb and a flow to the balance of the universe. It was the will of the Force that I play a role in such a period and I need to remind myself to accept that will."

[tarisian_cathar]

She frowns, watching it locked away like that again. It's...not good to keep it inside like that. It has to be...well, not purged but vented, like excess heat from an engine. Then, and only then, can it be controlled. Used to power things...more useful. But she pulls back, taking it as a rejection of comfort, returning to her previous position, picking up her tea again.

"Accept that it has happened," she said, after a long silence and a sip of it, and it is said quietly. "Yes. These things cannot be hidden from. I will never be able to forget the manacles on my wrists, as a child after my parents tied. My slavery in the undercity of Taris. That my father's murderer wanted to buy me, a fate delayed only my Revan and his Jedi destroying the Mandalorian siege of the planet."

"I struggled with that for so long," she said, voice oddly subdued. "The anger, the pain. I held it in. It nearly destroyed me. The will of the Force had made me a thing, had killed my parents in degradation - how could I not hear the siren call of the dark?"

She stopped, then, not looking at him for a long moment.

"In the end, after everything...it was in unburdening myself of it, to my trusted friends, sharing the pain and finding...sympathy and kindness in return for it? It is then that I healed. As much as one ever can, I suppose."

[bentheredonethat]

Obi-Wan understood what she was saying, in among the tale she was sharing, but he knew he wasn't in a place to completely embrace the lesson. Perhaps after some meditation and a bit of time to clear his head.

"Thank you," he said in a quiet, rough voice. "For sharing something so personal with me." When they were only just starting to know one another.

He took another moment, sipped on his tea and then pointed out the unalterable fact.

"All my trusted friends are dead," Obi-Wan said in a tone of solemn acceptance. "The others look at me as if I should have these answers, they call me Master and General and it is like a knife twisting in my heart. It is not their problem, it is mine. I need to figure out how to get past it."

[tarisian_cathar]

"It has to be shared," she replied, waving it away. "It denies it power over me."

But oh, for the rest.

"They look to you that way because you are wise," she replied, with a soft smile. "I still do not know everything that happened to you, but to cause you such pain to remember what was...yes, it must be very difficult, for you. So very hard."

She held her cup in her hands, claiming the last of the warmth for her palms, downing the contents.

"It is hard to say 'I don't know' when others look to you, I imagine," she finishes, sympathy clear in her voice.

[bentheredonethat]

"It is more complicated than saying 'I don't know'. It is the trial of having to take responsibility for my part in a cataclysmic failure, accept that responsibility and risk placing myself back in the same position."

Obi-Wan took a deep breath, and reached for the tea pot.

"Please, make yourself comfortable, Juhani. This is going to take awhile." Pouring himself a fresh cup, the man sat back and with a deep breath, began to talk.

"Senator Sheev Palpatine of Naboo, at some point in his life discovered the power of the Dark Side and the galaxy gave birth to the first Sith to come along in over a thousand years. Not only was Palpatine the first Sith Master to rise in all that time, he is by far the most gifted manipulator the Sith have ever seen." Truly, what the man had orchestrated, even with the assistance of the Dark Side of the Force, was ... impressive.

"My fate became entangled with his, through my master and through his master. My master was Qui-Gon Jinn, who had been a Padawan apprentice to Dooku, who in turn had been the Padawan apprentice to our Order's Grandmaster, Yoda." He glanced up at her, apologetically, since he understood the names would mean little to her. Yoda's title might be useful, but at this point in the story, the names wouldn't mean much. His expression said be patient with me, it will make sense as I go along.

"Qui-Gon was considered a maverick by the Jedi Council and the Jedi Order. He was very powerfully aligned to the Living Force and he believed strongly in the will of the Force, rather than the will of the Council, which he saw as the will of the Senate. And he was not wrong. Qui-Gon was also a student of the Jedi Mystics and the prophecies. This often put him at odds with the Council, they would tell him to do X and he would proceed to do Y."

Obi-Wan's expression, as he relayed this, was one of fond exasperation.

"Yoda actually apprenticed me to Qui-Gon, he did not choose me. We figured out, down the road that this had probably been a deliberate move on the part of the Council, as I was extremely rebellious and independent as a young Initiate. Yoda, no doubt, realized that I would rebel against any master I was partnered with, so he partnered me with Qui-Gon, who was the Order rebel, knowing that I would then become the perfect follower of the rules. Which is pretty much how it went."

Meddlesome troll.

"Qui-Gon and I were master and apprentice for twelve years. During that time Palpatine was slowly rising in power and putting his pieces into motion on the board, right under the Jedi Council's nose. I had been Qui-Gon's apprentice for about two years when Dooku left the Jedi Order. Though he was never as flagrant in his disregard for the Order's rules and regulations, he was utterly disillusioned by the Order and ultimately he walked away.

I believe he tried to convince Qui-Gon to leave, a time or two but Qui-Gon's belief in the Force and in the role of the Jedi as servants to the force, stayed my master's hand. It also probably signed his death warrant."

Move along Obi-Wan, move along.

"I was about twenty-five when Palpatine began to move more overtly in the galaxy. One of his favorite gambits was the set up two sides of opposing figures, and then place himself in positions of influence on both sides. In this case, he -as Darth Sidious- had manipulated the Trade Federation," Obi-Wan paused gave his head a shake and tried to clarify for her. "Neimoidian's held primary control of the Trade Federation. Sidious coordinated for them to blockade the planet of Naboo."

Palpatine's home planet. Obi-Wan gives Juhani a moment to connect all those dots.

"Master Qui-Gon and I were sent to negotiate with the Trade Federation to remove the blockade. While we were on their command ship, they made an attempt to assassinate us." From his tone, she can no doubt surmise about how well that went for the Trade Federation. "But there was a second part to Sidious's plan. The Trade Federation, using a droid army, invaded Naboo and captured the democratically elected queen."

Now it was time for a tea refill, and he gave her another apologetic look. He had promised this was long.

"Qui-Gon and I freed the queen and overran the blockage to get her out with the intent of bringing her to Coruscant. Our ship was damaged, too greatly to make it back to Coruscant and we were forced to hide on the planet Tatooine. While we were on that planet, seeking to repair the ship, two things happened. Qui-Gon discovered a young boy, Anakin Skywalker, a child with the highest midi-chlorians count we had ever encountered. We also encountered Sidious's apprentice, the Sith Darth Maul."

Obi-Wan moved quickly over the next parts of the story. The return to Coruscant, Qui-Gon insisting that Anakin Skywalker was The Chosen One, of prophecy, and that he be taken into the Temple, despite his age of nine. Perhaps this might help Juhani understand some of the changes the Order had gone through; the fact that the Council would have rejected a nine-year old as 'too old'. Palpatine manipulating Padme into calling for a vote of no confidence in Valorum and thus securing the Chancellorship for himself. Finally, Qui-Gon's repudiation of Obi-Wan in the Council chamber and claiming Anakin as his new Padawan Learner, and then it was time to go back to Naboo.

"It is my belief, after all this time, that Sidious knew Qui-Gon was the greatest threat to his plans and that Darth Maul was under orders to destroy Qui-Gon. We fought Maul, I was separated from them and Maul struck Qui-Gon a fatal blow." Again Obi-Wan moves quickly over his own role in the remainder of the dual, as if it were unimportant to him; which ... it was.

"As Qui-Gon lay dying, he charged me to train Anakin, insisting with his dying breath that Anakin was The Chosen One, and would bring balance to the Force."

There was a pause here, a long pause as Obi-Wan relived Qui-Gon's death, and the jump from Padawan Learner, to Master. Looking back, he knows that there was no way he had been ready for that responsibility. Qui-Gon had meant it for the best, Obi-Wan believed that, but his master had unintentionally set both Obi-Wan and Anakin up for failure.

Obi-Wan topped off his tea and began to explain, in as high a level as he could, the challenges that Anakin had faced in the Temple as a Jedi Padawan. Not only being separated from his mother, but the resentment from the other Initiates and even the thinly veiled hostility of some Knights and other Masters -looking at you Windu-. Forget the burden of being "The Chosen One."

The two of them had tried their best, Anakin proving to be just as powerful, but also kind, compassionate and good as Qui-Gon had believed. Obi-Wan brought the story along quickly, to the events that would occur when Anakin was around nineteen. The return of Padme into their lives, and Anakin's love for the strong young Senator from Naboo. The steps that would put Anakin and Padme in close proximity, while Obi-Wan was sent to find the planet Kamino and the clone army that appeared to have been commissioned by Jedi Council member Master Sifo Dyas.

At this point, it was time for another pot of tea. Obi-Wan unfolded himself from his kneeling position and walked over to the kitchenette set the kettle back to heating.

"At some point, after Darth Maul's 'death', Sidious got to Count Dooku and made him his next apprentice. Dooku and Sidious took over control of the clone army and once again, Sidious set up both sides against the middle."

Turning to lean on the counter while the kettle heated, Obi-Wan crossed his arms over his stomach.

"Dooku was in command of a growing Separatists movement of planets and star systems that wanted to break away from the Republic. Sidious, under the guise of Palpatine, was of course the head of the Republic and used the Separatists actions, orchestrated between himself and Dooku, to thrust us into war. The Clone Army, under the command of the Jedi at the behest of the Republic Senate, against the droid armies of the Separatists, lead by Count Dooku."

Looking back, the red flags seemed so very prominent that Obi-Wan could barely remember why he never saw it. Why Yoda, Plo Koon and other members of the Council, never saw it. Eyes cast up towards the ceiling, the look far away he expressed these thoughts after a long moment of silence.

"The Order was so corrupted by our own inflated sense of self-importance and hubris that none of us saw how we were being manipulated. We were Jedi, keepers of the peace and we blindly allowed ourselves to be made into Generals, put in command of battalions of soldiers, leading a war we should never have supported."

He paused, eyes coming back to her, old and haunted as he continued without giving himself any mercy.

"I sat on the High Council during that time. Sometimes I argued against what we were doing, what was happening. Sometimes I didn't say a word. Merely took my battalions out on the front lines and fought. Never once did I stop and really question the orders we were taking from the Senate; from Palpatine. Never once did I raise the alarm at the freedoms we were giving up, the loss of the impartiality of the Jedi Order."

All things Qui-Gon would have been shouting from the rooftops. Things that even Dooku tried to warn Obi-Wan about.

"Even Satine tied to remain neutral. Her perspective ..." he began before shaking his head. That was a side tale to the main events and one that Juhani did not need to be taken down at this time.

The kettle whistled and Obi-Wan turned to indulge in the soothing ritual of making a fresh pot of tea. Carrying the warm little pot back to where they were sitting, he knelt and set the pot down, giving Juhani first rights of refusal.

"Concurrent to everything I have told you, is the tragedy of Anakin Skywalker." He took a deep breath and then backed up events for her. Going back to the beginning of the war, back to when Sidious orchestrated the capture and murder of Shmi Skywalker and Anakin's slaughter of the Tuskens. Back to Anakin and Padme's secret marriage -the worst kept secret- Anakin's graduation to Jedi Knight, and the slow, cunning seduction Palpatine wove around the young Jedi.

"I tried to talk to him about his relationship with Padme, to share some of my own experiences with attachment, but I never got the words right. I should have tried harder, I let my anxiety get the better of me and … I should have been more direct.

Sidious used my blindness, my dogmatic adherence to the Jedi Code, to the Council as an in to Anakin’s deepest fears. He was able to position himself as a father figure, where I was never comfortable in the role, and was long whispering in Anakin’s ear; seducing him with the promise of powers that the Jedi would not condone.

Like the way, Sidious was on both sides of the war, so too was he on both sides of Anakin’s greatest fears, stoking them and soothing them in turn. Then fate stepped in and handed him the final piece he needed to put all his plans into motion. Padme became pregnant."

[tarisian_cathar]

She merely listens, fidgeting a bit with the cup in her hand a few times as she listens. She's fairly certain he's wrong about this Palpatine being the first Sith to arise in that long. What it tells her is that at some point, the Sith had been forced to adjust their tactics. That it had no longer been a meeting of Empires and Fleets - but moving into the shadows.

So thoroughly that the Jedi had thought them extinct. But the key to understanding the Sith is that one of the things they always feared was their own end - jealous of their secrets, yet willing to create an endless cycle of betrayal in order to ensure power continually rose. She couldn't guess at how they'd survived.

But somehow, they had sublimated their ego, and their rage - and grown quiet. That was perhaps the most frightening aspect of them she'd heard of. A new dimension to an old enemy. The rest of what Obi-Wan described...she wanted to say that was not how a Grand Master would behave, but thousands of years had passed. She didn't know, much as some of it tapped away at the back of her mind like thin legs upon glass.

The Jedi should fight to protect the innocent. They should intervene when it means saving lives of any sort. But by the same token, the war itself was a corruption, a hidden agenda writ large in tragedy and endless suffering. The Order he's describing is so foolish, so arrogant and unable to see - it seems impossible. She wants it to be impossible, feels it has to be, but - she was not there, was she? He may be being too harsh, blaming himself and the Order of his era too much.

But she'd never know, would she? That, perhaps, gives her the most sadness. That she cannot pierce through that veil of history between them.

She merely sighs, shoulders sagging.

"At one of the times, I take it, that the Order forbids such things. Like they try do in mine."

Not with terribly much effectiveness, these days.

[bentheredonethat]

"Correct," he acknowledged with a sad expression. "You'd have thought, with all our supposed joy in the idea of life that we would celebrate it, but instead we slotted such a thing as 'attachment' to be avoided at all cost."

Which in and of itself said something about the state of the Jedi Order, but if it had been the same in her time, perhaps this was something with which the Jedi had always struggled. Such philosophizing had been more Qui-Gon and Dooku's areas.

"Sidious had the final shatterpoint he needed to set his plans in motion. He used the risk of losing Padme in childbirth as the final wedge between Anakin and the Jedi Order.” Initially Obi-Wan had been fuzzy on these details, but again. Ten years of solitude gave a man time to think and Obi-Wan had always been a brilliant tactician. Once he’d mapped the path of what had happened to Shmi Skywalker, the rest had fallen into place.

“Ultimately, Sidious needed Anakin isolated to finish bringing him to his side. Anakin’s attachments to his mother, to Padme and their child, to the Jedi, they all had to be severed in the end.” Once again, the Sith had been playing on both sides of Anakin’s shoulders. Weaving events to destroy all the young man’s connections, while promising Anakin ways to protect them.

And now, Obi-Wan had no where left to go with the story, except back into the nightmare. The words wouldn’t come for the longest time, because these admittances never came easy. He felt his eyes becoming moist and quickly ducked his head, forcing the tears back through a combination of strength of will, and pure self-recrimination.

But when he looked back up, his face was dry and Obi-Wan spoke with calm, direct words.

"When Padme was within a couple weeks of birth when it all came to a head. Apparently, Padme, Bail Organa and some others in Senate were already concerned with how much Executive Power the Senate had been voting to give the Chancellor. I expect Sidious was aware of the rumblings and where they were coming from, he knew he had to move in order to finish consolidating his power.

I was on Geonosi when it all came apart, Master Yoda was on Kashyyyk, Master Plo Koon was on Cato Neimoidia,” the words were spoken in almost a whisper. “Anakin was on Coruscant, and Mace Windu was the senior ranking Council member still on Coruscant.”

Once again, names Juhani would not know, but if he stopped to explain every single actor in this tragedy, they'd be here for day.

"Mace and Anakin were another shatterpoint in all this. Mace and Qui-Gon were often at odds and I feel that some of Mace's animosity towards Qui-Gon, transferred to Anakin. I tried to shield Anakin, as best I could but it was never enough. Anakin had never been comfortable with Mace and Mace never trusted or believed in Anakin.

Oil and water,” he whispered, but that was as far as he would vocalize that thought. A blink and he refocused on her.

“I only know these events through secondhand recounts, mostly from Bail Organa. Mace Windu led the Jedi to capture Counsellor Palpatine under the charge that he was the Sith Lord. There was a confrontation in Palpatine’s office during which Mace Windu and the Jedi masters who had accompanied him were killed. Sidious sent out the order to the clone troopers to turn on the Jedi in the field, before going before the Senate body to announce that the Jedi Order had attempted to stage a military coup and overthrow the government. He branded the Jedi traitors to the Republic and solidified himself as Emperor.”

Obi-Wan paused, went to take a sip of tea, giving her time to absorb all this before he continued with the next part.

“At some point, during all of that, Sidious completed his seduction of Anakin Skywalker. Anakin became Lord Vader at Sidious’ right hand.” How odd. Those two sentences felt almost anti-climatic now. Perhaps hearing Vader state that he had killed Anakin Skywalker had somehow turned things in Obi-Wan’s own psyche.

“Sidious sent Anak… sent Lord Vader to the Jedi Temple, along with the 501st clone trooper regiment with order to kill everyone in the Temple,” the words were spoken with a false sense of detachment, but his eyes told more of the story. The sight of all the little bodies, cut down by a man they had looked too for protection.

“Master Yoda and I returned too late,” he went on to say. “The Temple was burning, everyone was dead, our only next course of action was to try to stop Sidious’ grip on the Republic. Master Yoda went to confront Sidious and I went to confront Anakin.”

How emotionally and mentally compromised he still was, by what had happened, Obi-Wan gave no indication. Though perhaps, from his almost preternatural calm, Juhani could draw her own conclusions.

“I knew that Padme knew where he would go. After I asked her, and she refused to tell me, I watched as she prepared her ship and when she went to depart, I stowed away aboard it. We went to Mustafar. She tried to talk to Anakin …” here things get so blurry for Obi-Wan. At the time it had all been clear, but looking back, trying to grasp a single thread of what happened, felt like trying to grab mercury. It all just … blurred. and again, his eyes suggested he was far, far away.

“Looking back, I don’t know, maybe Padme would have gotten through to him had I not been there." Another guilt he carries. "Maybe she could have helped Anakin throw off the chains of Lord Vader. I have replayed these events so many times; each time just when I am ready to accept that she were right and I was wrong, I know in my heart that Sidious would never have allowed her and the children to live. Not so long as he was alive, and even had Anakin turned back …Sidious defeated Master Yoda, he still held command of the clone troops, the Empire … I just …”

Bantha crap. He was rambling. Obi-Wan stopped himself, visibly forced himself back to the here and the now, took a breath and continued.

“I appeared and Anakin, fractured. He believed ... he insisted Padme were colluding against him and he attacked her. He and I … fought,” such a small word for everything that had happened, but he wasn’t about to try to give her a blow by blow of that battle. “I caused him grave injuries. I believed they were mortal wounds but I … I …” he hadn’t had the courage to step down and deliver a decisive mortal blow. “I couldn’t kill him. Instead, I left him for dead,” Obi-Wan whispered in a voice that wavered.

Again, he struggled back to the present, hands shifting with agitated movement to the nearly empty cup of tea. The fact that he doesn’t take a sip making it clear that he was fretting. Not very Jedi-like.

“I got back to the ship, a droid had gotten Padme aboard the ship, she were in and out of consciousness. We got to a mining station under Alderaan’s control, Bail Organa again giving Yoda and I sanctuary and providing us with the best medical facilities. But even the best … they could find nothing physically wrong with her, yet she was fading.”

Had it been Sidious, again? Had it been a broken heart in the wake of everything that had happened to Anakin and the world around them? Focus Obi-Wan, focus … he grabbed on to the small thread of hope that lay in amongst the wreckage of their lives.

“Padme gave birth to twins. A boy, she named Luke and a girl, she named Leia, and she insisted, in the moment before she died, that there was still good in Anakin." As he said the names, Obi-Wan forced his eyes to focus back on Juhani's face. Looking for any sense of recognition to suggest the other Jedi may have come across Luke or Leia in camp already.

[tarisian_cathar]

She listens to a tale of tragedy and woe that would have brought down nearly anyone - that he is still standing is a testament to the man, quite frankly.

"The young ones," she replies, barely a whisper, in recognition. But she also sets aside her tea, and shifts closer, seating herself on her knees in front of him.

"And I do this for your own good," she said. "Please, understand."

And she reached out to fold her arms around him in a hug. It wasn't very Jedi-like, no. It wasn't Jedi-like to fret. It wasn't Jedi-like to be...anything of what they were. But the thing she'd learned at Revan's side was that it wasn't the council who defined what it was to be a Jedi. It was yourself, and nobody else. And sitting across from her, by her measure, was one of the greatest Jedi the Order had ever, would ever, produce. A man so good that he had endured the end of everything he believed in and served, and still not fallen.

Comfort, care - these were not alien to the Jedi. But the core of what they should be.

"You are a good man, Ben Kenobi," she finished, pulling back. "Hard though I think it is for you to see it right now."